I like. I like.

They did: Streetwalker Red, Pill-Popper Party Girl Sparkle Pink, and French. I feel like you and I should be friends IRL.

Don’t you mean

Now I understand why women look like they want to punch me in the head when I tell them I laboured for 20 minutes and didn’t tear at all.

Seconded. Things down there aren’t “normal” for awhile—- possibly a year or two—- after pushing out a baby, but many women, myself included, bounce back just fine with time and those pesky kegels. Every woman’s experience is differnet but for those of you who haven’t given birth and intend to in the future, all is not…

so you’re saying i can’t just exist in blissful ignorance?

FYI, folks who haven’t pushed a baby out: my shit was also wrecked, but my vag was as tight as ever after about year. I did literally nothing, too. Just, like, 2 kegels whenever I happened to read the word “kegel” in my everyday life. I’m not doubting the author’s story, just saying that there is variation.

THIS WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS AND HONESTLY PROBABLY TOP TEN ESSAYS I HAVE EVER READ ON THIS SITE I LEGIT CRIED LAUGHING

“I tore in three places, requiring over 30 stitches. Pushing that hard for that long apparently wrecks you. Shit got really, really fucked up.”

CHRIST

Even if this is true, and I sort of think it is—at least the part about buying things, my wedding was still the best day of my life. I cannot explain how meaningful it was to have so many people who loved and cared about my husband and I in the same room dancing to Madonna. I had so much fun, and it was completely…

One of my BFFs got an engagement puppy instead of a ring. I am so happy I was there when another friend was like “but the dog will die eventually! That’s stupid!” She answered “yes, the dog will probably die. And when he does, we’ll go down to city hall and file for divorce the next day. I’ll text you.”

Samsies! Only I think I bought them with my allowance money from Drug Fair (a small NJ-based drugstore chain). They were definitely Lee press-ons, and they were definitely bright ass pink. I was 12.

I actually decided that I’m bringing them back

Also Taco Bell. Their workers aren’t getting paid good-manicure money! Maybe it WAS a press-on.

Nachos bugles grande.

I was about to say “what is this 1989 and we are wearing press-ons?!” Then I thought “oh yeah, Florida.”

Some years ago I was having dinner at a local Mexican restaurant with a friend. About half-way through the meal, I noticed something floating in my water glass....something small and pink. When the waitress came over to check on us, I noticed she had ten fingers, but only nine Lee Pess-On Nails™. Blarg.

When I was in middle school, I came down with a mystery illness and was out of school a LOT. It was a small private school and the PTA sent a cookie basket from some company to my house. I hadn’t been eating much since I hadn’t been feeling well at all. But my weakness? Double chocolate chip cookies.

I would not want to find a fake fingernail. That is gross because mold can grow in them.