THAT is a good mother.

I called my mom from a friend’s house post-sleepover (pre-cellphones). She asked where I was and I said, “um well I’m in jail, we got arrested last night.” I waited a few beats for her to scoff and say, no really, where are you? But the joke was on me because she just sighed and said, “Oh molarplexus, what is it you…

I...am so sorry. Holy shit. My mouth dropped open while reading that. That’s so fucking abusive.

The fucking Weather Channel this morning.

To kick this off, you must know I have a paralyzing fear of ET. My junior year of high school, my “friend” aka person who I hated but tolerated because it was a small school and she was friends with my friends, stole my car keys from my backpack during lunch and slipped them back without me noticing.

This will never show up. because I’m gray, but it is the shittiest prank anyone has ever pulled, IMO. Partly because it happened not on April Fool’s day, but on my birthday.

“Do you have the test results, Doctor?”

It’s my brother’s wedding anniversary. He married an anti-vaxxer. Does that count?

My husband’s birthday is April 1. He came home from school on his 16th birthday, and walked in the door complaining loudly about a girl in his class he had a crush on. His mom and sister didn’t do anything to stop him, and let him walk into his bedroom where his entire class was waiting for a surprise party, including…

Never, ever gets old.

Legal elements aside, if you start yelling pro-hitler garbage around a jewish person (especially one who can easily afford legal fees) you should probably assume that there’s a decent chance you’re going to get punched.

Remember just six months ago when we thought that we were all on the same page and that Nazis were bad?

IKR? As soon as we overthrow the bloated orange fascist, we will legalize punching Nazis and we will erect a statue of Shia and whoever punched that other Nazi Richard Spencer (we can do a sort of “unknown soldier” thing) and we’ll put it next to the Lincoln Monument.

i guess the charges were rebeouffed.

I don’t wash my legs or my feet and I pee in the shower. IDGAF!

Best Episode Ever.

Your dinner date is just fine by me, but I would strongly suggest you dunk her under water first to make sure she’s not a witch.

The really great thing is, you don’t have to be alone with a woman to take away her access to health care.

I got dinner with a male man who wasn’t my husband lord master and then got diarrhea on the way home, so yes.