Are you denying Mark his truth that he was, in fact, a receptionist?

I’m going to blow your mind here — what you have personally experienced doesn’t actually encompass everything that exists in the world.

I have seen both and been a receptionist. I did turn gay, though.

That dog needs to emphasise its damn consonants.

A toddler blow job joke. Hilarious.

Right? My friend had to bring her mom (an adorable little white lady) to the ER, because one night she found her eating dog biscuits and claiming to be Hallie Berry. My friend thought she was having a stroke. Nope... just tripping on Ambien.

I think people who take their coffee with skim milk are the most mentally disturbed of all. That shit tastes like despair and starvation.

Man I am late to this party, but BOY do I have one for y’all to consider.

Um, pregnancy.

Scene- My bedroom, 2 AM, after a bottle and a half of wine.
Players (In a theatre sense, not like, a gross way to say ‘lovers’ or whatever)- My husband and also my me.

We were young, early 20’s, shitty on wine, having laugh sex, where we sort of clumsily bounced around the bedroom, laughing and not totally putting all…

I loled too, which apparently hurt because laughing makes buttholes clench. It was a very shortsighted endeavour on the testicle owners part.

A testicle got stuck in a butthole.

“The homeopaths were rescued after they were seen rolling around in a field near their hotel, gibbering incoherently.”

My father is really bad with cats; once I placed an especially sweet, kissable kitten on his lap at a family party, and his hands curled up to his chest and he whispered "Please take it off of me, I don't know what it wants."