he was so proud of that part I bet

It’s not often I have to use the word lookup feature.

FTR this is how big this dog (who is my dog) is

That’s a very peculiar thing to get a sanctimonious about.

This is the type of thing that would cause me to hang out with a friend less and/or completely avoid them. Have some empathy for the poor bastards that have to clean up after your slovenly ass.

No - it’s not. Your eye is totally gay now bro. You have to wear an eye-patch over the semen infected eye or else it will lead you to blow McNeese after the next case race.

Cleaning up after yourself is great! We recently took a train from London to Glasgow and while I was passed out from ??? motion sickness??? my travel companions (hoozeband, sistre-in-law, her hoozeband) made a huge mess. (We are essentially tall children.) I scooped up our ginormous pile of rubbish to discard much to…

OCD, yay!

“Yesterday I was having a pretty standard college guy summer boredom jerk session when I seriously misjudged my explosiveness and it somehow shot straight into the air and into my eye. Is everything going to be ok?”

Lost the war. Won the reconstruction.

I’m 26, been working for 5 years, and do a good enough job (promoted, work for a good company, etc.). I also have no idea what I’m doing. Is this normal?

I remember being legitimately excited about Seneca Wallace.

He hasn’t criticized the NFL yet.

It’s amazing how incest and the molestation of FIVE girls was no problem, but adultery, THIS is where they draw the line.

I’ve never felt a tweet as hard at Ingrid Michaelson’s. That banana better still be green, or I will not eat it.

Lake Superior has a Twitter account. It’s actually pretty good, although the latest doesn’t come with a photo.

Kinda like “ Not to be racist, but....” You know it's coming.

Sadly I think it’s far more likely that the piece of shit beat his wife after the incident. =/

“When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.”