Do a Yakov Smirnoff set except all the punchlines praise Soviet Russia.

Such a bummer that Steelers fans won’t be able to see this guy play in person 8 weeks a year.

Everyone talking up the role of Oxy, but fentanyl is some shit. My wife used fentanyl during her labor and the way she described the feeling was what I’ve heard from first-time heroine users. She immediately wanted a second hit.

Going to have to go with baseball. It’s not like you need to jack a homer, and swing at full power. All you need is to make contact on a pro pitch. Seems simple as gaming the system by swinging for contact for just sticking the bat out there.

Stroke those dongs, young man!

When asked following the game what caused the glove to strike the ump’s face, Broxton pointed to the wind, saying “This gust.”

No. I think the “he looks like a troll” joke is played out and a little shitty (I say that having made that joke many times). When he speaks, though, he does sound like a devourer of planets.

Those fans better watch out. Andrew might send the Silver Surfer after them. 

In a follow-up story, Ariel was convinced the matter was completely closed, and the story had no legs. 

How am I supposed to focus on my own improvement when this hunk of beef is out here looking sexy as hell?

The truth is out there in right field. 

Just go full 2010 FIBA tournament Odom and play center already.

Sometimes when my second helmet doesn’t work, I just pull out instead. It’s a risky move, but sometimes you take your chances. 

That 12UMAD license plate reminded me of a good vanity plate I saw today:

Probably not a great sign than Spanfeller, as the head of several media outlets, barely understands Twitter.

Really happy to see the brilliant minds of the NCAA piloting a program to redefine pay-for-play.

Quit attacking this team, and respect that you are witnessing a coach fully embodying the Raiders’ ethos of being the league’s tomato can.

The fucking Washington Tomahawks is right there. But I guess you’re right. There was no choice for George Preston Marshall other than to be horribly racist.

Can’t believe Guice is still out with his wounded fuck this racist team name. 

Such a good dude to provide employee benefits per federal law.