Breaking 2:

However, the sexual assault during the Red Wings game did not occur between periods.

I AM FILING THE PAPERS TO ADOPT KELLY OUBRE JR. AS MY SON RIGHT FUCKING NOW

Darth Vader forces-hurls a battery at a rebel commando?

Not to be confused with the awful Sylvester Stallone movie from 2001...

Come on, you guys are just making Machado about something.

Love the color,and this style is my favorite of the big body Bimmers. I’m even more of a masochist, so I’d want to do this with an 850i!

So you want to do what they say can’t be done?

Please listen to Andrew and do not run over the kitties, send them to me

I assumed the NFL was allowing Trump to announce picks when I read the line about an orangutan.

you’re just the worst, gavin. booing the cowboys is a mitzvah for the world.

Laughed out loud at “hold your breath and sneak by” when the balls were in a box.

Bitch, I write about real cars every goddamn day! I wrote four other articles about cars and car-related things the same day I wrote this. And the weird obsession isn’t with the crazy group; it’s because of my crazy eyeball/headlight fixation. That’s the root of it all. And not being breast-fed.

Wait, am I expected to do this every year?

Oh god, my life is ruined.

This is a DEMONOLOGY story. Smite him, Bathin! Smite him!

On a trip to Vermont through upstate New York a couple of years ago I zipped by a New York state trooper doing 70-something on a lovely 2-lane twisty road with a 55 mph speed limit. He lit me up a mile or so down the road and I pulled into a wide, industrial-looking gravel drive. As he came up to my car I rolled down…

What do you think is the most “fucked to” show on TV/Netflix?

There I am, pulled over for doing 135 km/h in a 110 km/h zone, in my 1991 Honda Civic. As the cop is telling me how fast I was going, a mid-90's Camaro went by doing at least 150 km/h. I said to the cop “I think that guy is a bigger problem than me”. He says “Consider this a warning.” and heads out to chase down the…

Or as Stephen Wright said - “A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, ‘Why were you going so fast?’ I said, ‘I had my foot to the floor? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”

I was heading to [tire store] to get new shoes mounted on my ‘02 Miata a few years back. Had my son riding shotgun, and I’d lit the rears up at every stop sign along the way, and may have done a couple of parking lot burnouts as well, you can’t prove it! Anyway, we’re making a left onto the mostly empty A1A about a…