Sooo, when I was 8 or 9, and had no clue what condoms were, my cousins and I found them in my Mom’s drawer. And we thought they were balloons, and took turns trying to blow it up. We finally took it ot my Aunt, who was like OMFG NO, and if you ever see one of these ,DO NOT TOUCH IT.

We of course wanted to know why. She…

My Papa, God rest his soul, fucking read The Secret, and everything else... and even He could not fucking read through Dianetics.

This was a man who was Dyslexic, worked through it, and read everything he could find. He determined that book was unreadable, terrible, and the most fucked up thing ever.

I miss him so much.

Giiiirl, SA is super close to Austin! You should totally seek out her Dad.

(I have no idea who he is, and I live 6 hours away, but I know it’s pretty close, and a good vet is worth gold.)

And yeah, Brenham is where BlueBell was first made. Mmmm. The place that brought us Listeria, AND a psycho vet.

I promise you though,…

You mean Adele Dazeem?

Hey, at least they’re trying. Instead of “Naaaah.... let’s not, and pretend it’s all okay.”

Thank you South Carolina, for doing the right thing. Holy FUCK. THANK YOU.

This sums up all of my feels about Arizona. And I fucking live in Texas. What the FUCK Arizona. WHAT IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK??

Most of my family has worked as waitstaff... And if you fucking think about not tipping we will all threaten to kneecap you.

They get their hot streaks by using their ESP. Duh.

The same thing happened with my Nanny Violet. She could, and still can, convince strangers that there is nothing wrong with her. Hell, she can convince people who know her that she knows exactly who the hell they are!

But as soon as they walk away, she'll turn and ask "Who was that?" because she honestly had NO idea.…

I have no idea who this woman is, but now I'm just like, what the fuck, lemons?

Maaaaan. I have never just like...cut fruit up and decorated with it. Maybe it's 'cause I'm not rich but if I cut fruit up I'm gonna eat that shit.

This just blew my fucking mind, yo.

I hear 'cunt' too.

First time I ever saw a cunt jump like that. TRULY AMAZING.

Too Faced Sex Kitten. I got it at 13, it smelled of chocolate and was my signature color until the bastards discontinued it. That is after turning it in to that weird Lip Of Luxury shit. I was so sad. Fuckers.

I love cotton candy, and cotton candy ice cream.

I'm kind of afraid of cotton candy oreos.

Not sure why....

Will try them though. Dat flavr.

Wait, they let that bitch out for church?

How the fuck is that even right? It's fucking HOUSE ARREST. NO. YOU DON'T GET CHURCH.

I understand doctors appointments but, no, bitch. Stay your ass at home and pray ALONE. Church is SOCIALIZING. FUCK THAT. You're being PUNISHED. You raped a CHILD. Fuck YOU.

Not EVEN sorry,…

Nope! We know it started at the age of 9, but was masked by medication and wasn't really severe until about 11. That's when things kind of went to shit.

And oh man, that one WAS... Prepare for loooong rant... cause... That wasn't one surgery, but two. Within 2 days of each other. And they put staples in after I told…

I'm not sure if they were sympathetic nerve blocks. They were the regular, flat out nerve blocks where they were trying to block the pain reception in to my abdomen. "Here, we tunneled through your abdomen, you are screaming like crazy and we really don't want to send you home on shit stronger than vicodin, so let's…

Oh man, CRPS is terrible. I've researched it. I have what is called pseudotumor cerebri / idiopathic intracranial hypertension. Basically, my brain makes too much spinal fluid, and I need a medical device to drain it off.

So after a surgery to revise the abdominal portion of the one I had, I was in severe pain because…

Look, my sclera is already blue, and it really weirds doctors out, and makes them think I have a genetic disorder.

So I'm just going to keep it the same weird ass color it already is, and no thanks to weird shit, okay? No matter how much you tempt me to click, Mark, this doesn't top rosebudding on squicking me out.…

FUCK spinal nerve blocks. They gave me one after a surgery and I fucking screamed bloody murder through the whole damned thing. They were like "IT SHOULD BE GETTING BETTER, WHY ISN'T IT GETTING BETTER?"

BECAUSE THEY DON'T WORK ON EVERYONE.

I wanted them all to die in a fire.

On the other hand, after experiencing botox on…