At this rate, the universe will probably force them to switch first letters. 

As Stephen Miller’s dad said, “If you want something done right, stay the fuck away; just spend your life kissing ass, you incompetent toady.”

This article is better than any “It’s okay to not have an opinion on everything” thinkpiece.

My girlfriend will ask me “Which of these” do you like better, and I stare at her blankly/coldly until she goes into the bedroom to pick something out herself, and I presume to cry.

Somehow, this got lost in the haze of my childhood TV memories. A more regrettable loss than the quadratic formula.

I’ve used a variation with some pork/steak home-marinades built on Worcestershire (slight) along with spicy brown and a dab of dijon, in addition to other “season to taste” ingredients (splash of soy, salt, pepper, garlic, vinegar, sugar/honey [depending on what’s in the pantry].)

Sounds awesome! Added to my wish list.

Worstcertertard sounds pretty damn good, besides the seeming bias against a specific British mentally disabled community.

A striking blow from Batman’s latest villain after the creative team completely ran out of good ideas—The Condimingler!

The ad copy basically writes itself.

Former fact-checker here: this is so fucking real, my stress twitch was reactivated.

And this is why style guides are important. Should probably read like this

I’ll have you know that I am most certainly not the Yankees fan.

Nah, fuck him. You get disability sympathy when you aren’t trying to turn America into Gilead But Less Humane.

Add a winking emoji to the end of that quote, and you have a verbatim excerpt from any Trump administration job posting .

Someone’s been using his baby powder!

Neither can I...oh, I thought that said “malingering.”

Ouch...literally/figuratively

What do I look like? A parking enforcement officer?

Starting off with man- instead of woman- is almost certain to earn you a scolding rebuke about your sexism, or something.