Holy shit! There are people from the cast of Dynasty still alive? Christ, I thought they were old then, but now... Oh bother, I think I might be old if I can remember Dynasty.

My home was assaulted? I had no idea. Is there a support group for assaulted homes?

I shudder when I think about the glare down and talking to I would have gotten had my mom caught me misspelling basic words and thoroughly abusing grammar in general.

On the bright side, assholes will be much easier to spot thanks to this shirt. There's no second guessing, if one wears this they are positively, absolutely an asshole.

I'm seeing lots of glitter bombs in New Hope's future.

I couldn't have contained myself if I wanted to in that situation. Bless your heart for not going full rampage on your cousin. Christ. I would have been rude enough to ask her to fork over the price per guest for each of her children. I'm awful. I know it, but it's your day and you should have what you want…

My husband cheated on me...with an underage co-worker. Caught them in the act. Ewww. My mind did not go from probably filing for divorce to ah ha scissors will fix this! I filed for divorce and took him and his penis to the cleaners. In terms of lasting gratification, I can't imagine that cutting off his wanger…

I must have really awesome friends and family because we had "adults only please" on our invitations and not one person complained or challenged our decision to not have kids at our wedding or reception. Our wedding and reception were at night, so I think that helped since most of the wee ones would be in bed by the…

Sort of off topic, but when I was 18ish I dated a guy who tried to make homemade edible oil. You know, like the kind you used to be able to buy at Spencer's (gawd am I dating myself). Idiot made it mostly out of vanilla extract. Apparently when that stuff makes its way into a dude's junk it feels like your penis is…

I don't recall it either. Somebody has difficulty managing priorities. This is the type of idiot who can't afford diapers or formula, but doesnt skimp on her mani/pedi budget. I also say we yell at the people who donated money.

Broccoli and cheese soup spiked with Cheetos will ease your disappointment a bit.