Holy crap you sound like an absolute miserable person.

Ah I thought you said “orchard” as in apple. I was like, “HOW DO YOU KNOCK OVER A WHOLE ORCHARD”.

my boyfriend still brings up the time i cried at the Vince Vaughn trailer when he had a million kids he didn’t know about

Dude - I cry all the time in public. Most recently at a Petco counter.

What about like during birth? Half-in, half-out.

Ah - I must have missed the Commandment that said,

Dude - I love video games. Like I’m on 120 hours of Fallout 4 and still play GoW3. I also have one of the darkest senses of humor.

But I borrowed GTA4 from a friend, and I’ve never been so aware of my whiteness and privilege in my life.

I KNOW - literally every employee in the store I asked was like, “Yea, I can’t fit in shorts here. I get American Eagle”

Do you know if she get her hand done using chisels?? (They’re called uhi, right?) Cause I would super impressed.

Omgsh I love this so much. I hope my son will be as cool as your son.

Went to Urban O for shorts - told they don’t stock over size 6.

I can’t tell if this is fake or not BUT

I have friends that live in the same town as one of her homes, and she def can go places without paps showing up in a semi-busy place. They run into her a lot and have been in her music videos, and not all good stories make it to tabloids.

Five bucks she shames women on Facebook who don’t breastfeed.

Ha! I do love this comment even though it is my current boyfriend’s ex.

You mean is my 2012 fan-fic of a Saperstein-Cap threesome one step-closer to reality?

Yes. Yes it is.

Today Instagram reminded my bf’s ex is a mean-mugged “model” then saw this and was like, “You go Slate. Girls w. opinions & personalities for the win. Do it for us.”

Nail meet Head.

If the store offered lip injections I would in all likelihood publicly denounce it as stupid, then be first in line like:

Wait. Where can I see the Poll results? I need to know these things.

*Sits Patiently*

I haven’t actually watched it since I became a grown-ass adult. Now I’m nervious. I’ll just avoid it at all costs until I die.

And my parents and past self say thank you!