Nah, I responded by signing the contract for my fourth book. 

Otto Balé? Did you mean:

First of all, that’s KEVIN Jonas, not Nick. Secondly... that’s not a bad tattoo! It’s a subtle reference to what sounds like an extraordinary shared experience (filming a ridiculous music video at Queen Elizabeth I’s childhood home).

I wonder what could be $puring this intere$t in $hilling ¢BD for people who make Money on in$tagram. 

Wouldn’t that also involve laying the wall down on the group and having a “window” that this week’s guest star could pop their head through? Plus you need some fishing line to pull your cape, which I don’t see you including.

You know you go out with him to the bar, he has a few and starts talking about the great Chicago fire and how you could feel the cinders in your hair miles away and then goes “uh, so I’ve heard” and clams up.

I believe the real reason Paul Rudd knows so much about the Titanic, is that he was onboard when it sank and managed to make it into a lifeboat. Dude’s immortal.

Clueless worked so perfectly because it was absolutely faithful to the spirit of its source material (more so than some more literal adaptions.)

There’s only ONE Kylie who should be on The Voice...and it ain’t a fuckin’ Jenner.

“baby pink and bisexual blue-tinted, tiny sunglasses-wearing, oat milk latté and Adderall-fueled”

It already was a show! With a nearly identical cast to the film:

Crocpocalypse

Glad to see Jennifer Lawrence’s wedding menu looks like every other wedding menu ever. If I had that kind of money, I’d serve a menu of all the foods you have to surreptitiously google under the table while the waiter’s back is turned. If you can pronounce it, you can’t have it.

What kind of place must you be in your life to not make this kind of connection? Is there some sort of clinical term for this total lack of ability to reflect upon one’s self? Truly amazing.

Movie star who's semi-retired at 50 and surrounded by dogs? Worked for Doris Day!

“Hey Steve, can you give us a hand carrying this 200lb dog?”

Nice. Last weekend I took my dog up a 14'er in Colorado. We took a uh, more “creative” route than normal. Close to the summit we’re halfway through this talus field when she gets tired of the bullshit rock hopping and just lays the fuck down. No amount of sweet talking, begging, commanding or bribing is getting her…

Alternate theory: Floyd is not only a Very Good Boy but also a Very Smart Boy and tricked these dumb humans into carrying him back down the mountain like the king he is instead of walking like a commoner.

I vote that we have Enormous Dog Week, celebrating hugeness should not be reserved only for bears.