Releaving usually doesn’t start until spring.

Don’t forget his heroic self-circumcision with paperclip!

Then, he stabbed his would be baby-mugger on the way home from the hospital, before befriending him and asking him to be his godfather. (Allegedly.)

What really happened is that the carjacker was actually the valet guy, the gas station was a restaurant and the only reason Ben Carson ran after him was because he left his wallet in the car.

Ben Carson delivered himself as a baby. He even snipped his own umbilical cord. Fact.

It went “full hoverboard.”

from this huffpost (ugh I know) article about 3 UN workers coming to america to assess gender inequality:

Someone/ones needs to follow protesters around with signs that say “This person is a terrorist.”

My neighbors are vehement protestors. Did they help during my high risk pregnancy? Nope. Take my poor kids to the park to run when I couldn't? Cook a meal?? BIG NO. Did my pro choice neighbor come take out my garbage and rough house with my boys and do my dishes? YES.

“Even though they put themselves in harm’s way.”

What about cutting a corner too close at the mall and getting the inside back wheel up on the sidewalk? Does that count as “off-roading.?”

I think you mean $19.89.

Honestly, I see nothing wrong with this. Perhaps because when I was 15, AOL charged by the minute and I only had dial up and I am jealous. Or perhaps because I don’t really see 14yo’s battling terrorism online, or at least the 14yo’s I teach. I do deal with 14yo’s using social media to share nude pics of themselves…

Yeah your guns will do well against a Reaper drone. Do you honestly believe that if there was some sort of armed civil conflict that your cap guns would be able to defend you from the power of our military? I wish people like you would finally get your day in the Sun and see just how defenseless you would be if the…

People who call car enthusiasts “posers” if they’re not adhering to their purity tests are judgy and insecure, and spend too much time worrying about how other people enjoy their own cars.

I may not agree with your decision to drive a golden dildo, but I will defend your right to do so.

Please, we’ve all been to New Orleans before. We know what happened.

Didn’t it take a German to get to the moon and make the bomb?

2005 Porsche 911 Carrera S for $35,998 - comes with a CarMax Warranty too. Silver on black, six-speed, S model, in good shape, with service records. This is not only the best 997 deal on the market, it’s the best 911 deal in general.

It’s an older joke, sir, but it checks out.