Tom Cruise was reportedly considered for the role but God had to intervene. Apparently, he couldn’t handle the anticipated influx of prayers.

Enjoy your pearls.

Drew works from home.

“First Trump, now Phil? These white guys sure love that p-word.”

and the next 90 minutes of studs-up tackles, shoving matches, and flopping were a great reminder of what makes this rivalry great.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh…

My only problem with #1 is the pain. My most hated person is an ex who I never minded having sex with in the first place, so whatever.

I’m about to start seeing a therapist for the first time in my life. Should I tell my wife? My mother? The Deadspin staff?

Trail of Tears, 2016 edt.

*crosses fingers and prays for a photoshop contest*

Unless it’s Dr. Pepper.

When I die this is how I want to be buried. Except in a 1991 Acura Integra (first car) and Dr. Pepper instead of Coke (Texan).

Cricket still does it better.

How could you leave out John Leguizamo?

Doug, don’t be that guy.

This is my only complaint with EPL on NBC (now that the crap-wipe is less crap).

Bill Cosby: “If they can’t see me when I rape them, they’ll never know I did it!”

Where does Turd Ferguson rank on the list of Deadspin writers?