Look, asshole, I told you before we went to the party I was going to get shitfaced drunk, make a pass at the hostess in front of her husband, corner one of the black people so I could tell that killer Freddie Gray joke, drop a c-bomb on the first woman to reject my sloppy, hands advances (also the hostess - two birds…

I need the ACLU, Dems and journalists to get this man impeached YESTERDAY. The fact he’s moving so fast to burn our country to the ground shows that he knows he’s got limited time. SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING.

BUT HER FUCKING EMAILS

Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.

“Everything is normal comrade, continue with your decadent american lives”

It must be exhausting to be so easily offended. The amount of time and effort he puts into being petty is almost impressive.

This is some petty shit and I am living for it.

“It was absolutely fantastic. Murder gives me a high unlike any other, it feels like this crisp unreality. Flashing & sparkling. Adrenaline & shock. Fight or flight mode. How do I even go about describing it. The whole thing was unreal.”

The new’s networks ratings are down and everything is boringly sane and normal?

This is a crazy time stream we’re in. I wonder what’s happening in the reality that has Hillary as POTUS.

So glad I’m already dying and my daughter is with a stupidly rich family (more money than Trump that’s for sure). She should be able to be on one of those yachts all the rich plan on using to cruise on the oceans while the rest of the world drowns. Can’t rise up if you have to swim to do it!

Still if you can be a…

A man always lets a woman enter a room first unless the room is dark.

He’s a high ranking official under Putin. You think it’s easy to be Putins favorite boy?

Someone asked me the other day, “what do you think Melania is thinking?” My reply: “Just hang on. A hundred million bucks. Just hang on. You can do it.”

To paraphrase Roseanne: We are not fucked. We are so far beyond fucked that the light from fucked will take one billion years to reach the earth.

One of my favorite obama stories was when he and Michelle were traveling different places and Air Force One landed well before Michelle did. Itwas raining, so he waited there so he could hold an umbrella for her when she deplaned.

That’s not smog and polluted water. It’s alternative fog and water.

I don’t understand what the law is even saying, that’s it’s ok to accidentally hit someone who’s in the middle of the road? I mean, isn’t that kind of already the case? Is the law trying to equate accidental vehicular homicide with “accidental *wink wink” vehicular homicide?