Male announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.

What’s the current opinion on in-flight masturbation? Always? Sometimes?

Rule #1: Don’t do a 9/11. That was very rude.

What if the person behind you is 6’4” (or taller) and reclining even a tiny bit crushes the shit of their knee caps. Recliners can get fucked a trillion times over.

I really hate it when some whiny fellow passenger complains that my both my cigarette smoke and erect penis keeps hitting her in the face

and most importantly: aisle gets the aisle armrest; window gets the window armrest; middle gets both middle armrests. You either get an aisle to stretch a leg into, a window to lean against, or two armrests. Never two of these.

Jim Irsay Secret Thoughts: DO NOT READ

I’ll cosine that

You should issue an apology for that shit comment.

Careful son, that’s libel. He might just Ndamukong Sue.

Also, note that for this subject in particular, the employee really has to have screwed up in a unique and interesting way for anyone to have a reason to care about the story. If you specifically requested a sandwich with no mayo, and a server then brought you a sandwich with mayo on it, well, I’m very sad for you,…

Cool story, bro

The soup of the day is usually Hitler miss, but I’m sure you’ll just Goebbels up today’s gestapo soup.

I got nothing. So here, have a stupid meme.

One time, I played hockey stinkin’ shitfaced because my wife, Louise, left me. Some Princeton grad threw me against the boards, and I pissed all over myself.

See... I told you we don’t get the best immigrants! We just get the Russian rapists, murders, and domestic abusers!

Preferred method: “Ahoy, hoy”.

I guess that makes me and anyone who loves this film and soundtrack a loser then? Fuck anyone who can’t just allow other people to love a film. You want to act as though Garden State is terrible? It’s not. Is it the end all be all greatest film of all time? It’s not that either. But to act as though it’s irredeemable…

Well, I’m glad I didn’t take that guy in my survival pool this week.

They paid good money for those tickets, so you can’t blame them for being a little crabby.