your cat sounds fucking incredible tbh

My cat, who once opened a microwave oven while the popcorn was popping, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once destroyed a floor-to-ceiling lamp with her butt, has more self-control than the caramel lady.

My cat, who once fell off a bookshelf at 3 AM only to land butt-first on my face (catass…

About three sessions in, my therapist was like, “I’m pregnant. We’ve got 30 weeks.” And by god, I was out before the baby was.

We did have favours though - 1 white chocolate truffle and 1 dark chocolate truffle in the shape of hearts from Laura Secord. They were great. But no trinkets attached to them. They came in a plain white box, as the boxes with our name went to a couple named "Dwayne and Brenda". Given the option of taking Dwayne and…

I pretty much disrupted my guy’s proposal plans by spontaneously asking him first.

Whoever documented her shame and then put it on the internet deserves an eternity of public humiliations. I hope they crap themselves at work or on the metro or while on a first date. The universe should right this wrong. And I hope in their moment of embarrassment they realize that what they are experiencing is…

The black humor is what saves you. My best friend was diagnosed with multiple myeloma in 2006. We got married in 2007, and he died in 2009. We laughed all the way through it, but the caregiver role isn’t easy.

Since I was 5 I’ve identified as the Batman. It doesn’t matter that I’m a 30 something black male. People should respect my identity and address me as Batman.

I see myself as transcorporeal. This physical form is just an affectation of biological circumstance. I really identify as a ghost.

That’s why I occasionally drive by and throw trash in the yard of the guy who works the night-shift at my corner gas station. “Fuck you, Roger! Why my gas and smokes still so spendy?”

I went to see the movie with 60 preachers and a rabbi. That’s not the beginning of a joke. That’s who I went to see the movie with.

Yessssss. From The Onion: “Asked for the secret to her long life, the perky, silver-coifed McCreeley quipped: ‘Dumb luck. Do any of you have even a rudimentary understanding of probability? Extrapolate the bell curve of life expectancy for a quarter of a billion people and see for your goddamn selves.’ The frisky…

I was thinking droogs in brogues.

I feel like the audience dude just wanted him to catch the bread, and wave, like that bear. But sadly, the bear is more talented than Smashmouth.

WHY DO WE ALL STILL KNOW THE LYRICS

Jeez, dude, sounds like they just thought you could use a little fuel. And we could all use a little change.

Who among us hasn’t had a dream and then given up after completing 2.6% of it?

TOTALLY COUSINS

I just rowed across an ocean and boy are my arms tired. (bad joke).

Droogs?