I have no Amish romance but I don't have Puritan Valentine's Day cards:

Fastest way to make friends at work? Bring food. At my workplace, homemade goes over best...but really anything will make enormous headway. My husband is an engineer-techy type and is sometimes not that good with people in group settings, so when I see he's stressed about an upcoming *thing* I send him with muffins or…

i just slept a million hours and now i am rewatching the newsroom.

Is there a chance grandpa will will the house to you guys? Cause you know, he is 90, and that would be a huuuuuge headstart financially.

Just about to drop off the kiddo for Saturday Parent's Night Out through our daycare. AWWWW YEAAAAH BITCHES. Gunna see me some Guardians of the Galaxy at the Ritz and hit up 6th St. for a hot minute with my hot fiancée (hot if you don't notice his ironically worn bronies shirt.) How's your night going down, you saucy…

Queue dramatic voiceover guy: In a country where the future is threatened by a falling birthrate, ONE MAN is fighting back...with his balls...coming soon....MEGA DAD.

I learned that from the Duggars. Hey, maybe he wants his own reality show! Working title: I Fought the Law and My Balls Won.

No problem.

Yes.

Whatever Gabourey Sidibe is doing... I want to book it for husband's next birthday.

What do you call an empty bottle of Cheeze Whiz...

To be fair, it was only served during their Pol Potluck night.

Does this mean I should change the name of my restaurant's famous "Chicken 'Pol Pot' Pie"?

The cop was later asked to write an essay on exemplary policing for the Washington Post.

Why should I have to keep my head up? I love my smart- *CLANG!* ow, sonofa!

Benny will playing Khan again.

Meanwhile, the mold in the house is calling up and getting quotes for a Kardashian removal service.

I've got "X GONA GIVIT TO YA" stuck in my head now, thank you.

Oh, man, and her link to Lisa Jakub's piece about Robin Williams writing to her school after she'd been kicked out:

So much wang, so little chung...