Alternatively:

If Baker didn’t tell the couple about her last-minute absence, that is indeed uncool.

Purple usually tastes more like Sundays to me. Green tastes like Thursdays. Is that weird?

It’s almost like their race is relevant to their daily lives, or it somehow influences their subjective experiences! I mean GEEZ, kinda boring for us Default Americans who can go our entire lives without needing to consider how our skin color might factor into things like hailing cabs or encountering the police! They…

You’re not a misanthrope. You’re sensible and correct.

If we’re both single when we’re 40 hoodie

Can’t wait for the ‘Comfortably Distant Side Hug’ pants and the ‘Handshake-no-wait-hug-oh-god-handshake-now-it’s-too-late-let’s-just-lean-towards-each-other-and-shoulder-hug’ Pants.

We save bread here. We don’t use it to beat people with.

Glare angrily at his penis then shake your fist at it for good measure. It will swell in size to appear bigger to try and scare off the threat. Proceed as planned.

he wasn’t circumcised and tore the underside of his foreskin really badly

Maybe a fetus with a gun?

Exactly. Kinda like how we were all “W is so bad, it can’t get any worse” and then DONALD TRUMP became the Republican presidential forerunner. Anyone that EVER thinks the Republicans can’t get any worse are impressively naive.

I’m pregnant, I drink with dinner, eat lunch meat, drink coffee and GASP! Don’t need anyone’s advice, because I have educated myself on the risks. Thank yoooou.

Meanwhile, I’ve just placed my order for this ($8)

Welcome to the minefield we’re set loose upon at puberty (or before!). Your puzzlement is appreciated as this whole thing is so goddamn frustrating.

Welcome to being a woman, where your every sexual move (or non-move) is scrutinized to the nth degree.

As a dude, this whole double standard is puzzling as hell.

Yeeeeeaaaaah, ask some lesbians. Lesbian sex just goes on and on and on, in a good way. The trick? Penetration is NOT the focus.

You’re all welcome of course, but I’d suggest holding off on your decision until Oct. 20, at the earliest. The worst possible election outcome — another Harperoid majority government — now seems unlikely. But you never know.

This is wonderful! My husband and I have been married for over ten years now, together for a few years before that. AFAIK neither of us has strayed, and we are committed to our monogamy, and honestly I’ve barely been tempted because our relationship is loving, romantic, and satisfying. Our sex life has been awesome. I…