Obviously Kellen Winslow Jr. is a dangerous person who should at the very least be in a psychiatric hospital, but this story definitely made me look up the scene in Slap Shot! where Joe McGrath tells Reg about the time Eddie Shore sent him the chronic masturbator who’d get deliberate penalties to go sit in the box and…

When he said he was a “fucking soldier,” he wasn’t kidding.

This is...    way too much information.

You are a true hero

I don’t know about you, but I have serious anxiety about getting a fleshlight through a TSA checkpoint, so she stays at home. I can jerk off into a hotel washcloth filled with moisturizer and left on the room heater for five minutes for a couple days just fine.

How can you criticize a guy who is always pulling for his teammates?

fine, okay 

Later on in his career, after being sent to Tampa Bay via trade, Winslow acquired a life-sized silicone mold of a woman’s torso—complete with vagina and anus—to bring with him on road trips, according to one former assistant coach.

I can understand packing a fleshlight to use discreetly on the road, but it takes a psychopathic level of commitment to one’s masturbation habits to travel with a lifesize replica of a headless, limbless woman to fuck right there in front of others.

One of their all-time-best bits. That whole subplot is delightful.

Sometimes staging the lie is harder than just doing the thing.  I had coworkers get fired before they learned that lesson.

We must defend against mountains of sugar.

Nah, because that story never happened.  When will the trail of lies end

He lost that foot climbing mountains of refined sugar.

When I was younger I had a friend whose dad only had 1 foot and he would tell people that his dad lost his foot to frostbite climbing mountains and all the other kids thought that was so cool.  Fuckin guy had diabetes.

Did it ever occur to you that they climbed and Emotional Mount Everest? Perhaps, they finally were coming to terms with a childhood trauma or deep dark family secret. YOU DON’T KNOW THEIR STORY!

Banwala declined to provide any photographic evidence from the summit or even give the names of the four Sherpas who allegedly helped them to the top

I once lied about eating the last two Oreos in the package. My wife asked me if I’d eaten them and I said yes and she got mad. But I actually hadn’t eaten them yet. I lied about having already eaten them just so I could save them for later and eat them while she took our daughter to soccer practice. And then I ate…

“The Surgeon”

Because his video game company basically robbed the state