Interrupting a self-fellator is the perfect use of a Precious Moments figurine.

I shall now tell the story of the Penny Killer.

Oh god. So many. The best may have been working at a printshop. One day, one of the printers disappeared. "Where's Gary?" everyone wondered. It's pretty obvious when you run a very large, noisy press when you stay on your break too long, because everyone is just standing around waiting for you, and time, as they say,…

This is actually my dad's story but it's a family favorite that always gets trotted out at holidays and parties.

Retail. Man comes into the store where I was working. Acts a little strange and shifty. I forget about him, because I have ordering to do. When I finished, I go to the back of the store to put some items away. Strange and shifty was on the floor with his pants pulled down. He was sucking his own penis.

Gah, I actually love this movie (YOU DON'T KNOW ME). There are parts that are really overwrought, but as someone who was medicated for anxiety for a while and absolutely hated how it made me give negative 5 dicks about anything, I appreciated that journey from feeling nothing to feeling bad and being ok with feeling…

HIV is a virus that mutates rapidly. How long until it develops resistance to this drug?

It is supposed to protect against unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases, things that happen because of sex. because people get, you know, horny. Horny ladies' lives would be saved with this.

Some women want to read this stuff. Some women also read Cracked. Some women have senses of humor that people seem to think only belong to 15 year old boys, and like to read terrible gross out shit without the horrible or inane comments on regular sites. You might not have come here to read that, which is why Mark…

I agree, and would venture to add that I believe we have multiple soul mates who serve different purposes in our lives at different times. Some are meant to teach us something and leave, but a lot are meant to be that supportive, loving network that we need, the people who do stick around and make our lives nicer.…

About a million years ago I remember reading a quote, in I believe Sassy magazine (RIP Sassy, greatest publication ever!), along the lines of, "What if my soul mate is out there, but he's 9 years old and herding goats in Indonesia?" I've always felt like this perfectly sums up the main problem with the concept of soul…

Speak for yourself.

I would even posit that romantic love isn't all that important in the long run. Mutual respect and affection will see you through a hell of a lot more than romance ever will.

The reason I believe "soul mates" is bullshit? Because if there's just ONE person for you, what's to guarantee they're in your zip code? Your country? Your hemisphere? Your decade? Your century?

No such thing as a soulmate?

The reason I believe "soul mates" is bullshit? Because if there's just ONE person for you, what's to guarantee they're in your zip code? Your country? Your hemisphere? Your decade? Your century?

all these catty little comments...

I'm starting to think Beyonce is the one leaking all these rumours herself. I can't think of a pop star with a more controlled image than her, so if all of this is persisting maybe its because she's supplying.

Reminds me of media witch hunt on Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey marriage. Tabloids would not let it fucking go until they divorced. Fucking vultures.

saying this as a huge stoner, i don't think it's a good idea since your guests would get really sleepy after 2 or 3 hours. Plus you have to consider how much weed you would have to buy in order to use it as party favors. You're looking at several ounces of weed at least and if you're buying it at illegal Washington…