Stone Roses

SEX INCARNATE

My ex’s mom met Leslie Nielsen at some sort of benefit about twenty years ago. She said he was drunk af, and had a case of the wandering hands. He managed to corner her and whisper something involving a bottle of wine and and where he’d like to drink it from. Thankfully, he backed off after she pointed to her wedding…

Ahahaha making a throw away account because my friends definitely know this story. When I was a senior in high school, I was really into the poet Adrienne Rich. Which kind of tells you all you need to know about the type of person I was at that point in my life. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adrienne_… for the…

It was a typical night out at the bars in Minneapolis & was having a great time talking to a really nice guy. In the middle of a sentence, Josh Hartnett bounds up to the guy and drags him away while shouting, “No. Beer googles, dude. No. Beer goggles. Beer goggles. No. No. No. No. Take off your beer goggles. No. No.…

One time I was flying from JFK to SFO, with a layover in Phoenix and saw Flavor Flav waiting at our gate. We went over and talked to him, he showed us the bag of clocks he keeps in Target bags with the rest of his Target bag luggage, and took a photo with us. He sat behind us on the plane (in coach) and yelled…

Does Mike Tramp count as a celebrity? Singer for 80s hair metal band White Lion? Because I met him in the crowd after his band opened for KISS in 1987. I was 18, and my sister was with me and was 13 years old. 13. He came up to us and asked my 13 y.o. sister if we wanted to go backstage. Naturally my barely teenage…

I was a huge largely unemployable drunk for a number of years. A couple of years before the end of it a friend helped me get a volunteer job for a $100 a week stipend plus room and board to work on Republican Congressman Tom Feeney’s reelection campaign. Feeney was solidly behind the polls (this was the Obama was…

I went to St. Andrews for university, so we had quite a few golf-loving celebs come through, especially during the Dunhill Cup. At one point I went out with a couple of my friends from hall to go watch some of it, and it was just as boring as you’d expect from, y’know, golf. So we’re talking about how boring it is and…

Laurence Fishburne once gave me a red pill to swallow. Let me tell you, I wish I hadn’t.

Sherman Alexie calls me a thief every time I meet him. The first time because he noticed when he was autographing my book there was a different name in it. I explained my professor was kind enough to give me her copy of his book because she knew I liked him. He still called me a thief. The second time because I…

If it’s any consolation, he hit on my friend in college and I stole his cell-phone number from her. I pretended to be her and led him on every time he was back in Boston, until I finally got him to show up at the Hotel Commonwealth and cut communication entirely. He got angry and vulgar; if Bob Saget thinks you’re a…

“Because she’s mean Irish.”

Do we come in a non-mean variety?

For a lot of guys, it does, and not automatically either. This is the world we live in.

I got a current coworker that got drummed out of academia because he was rumored and accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a woman, one of his students. The dude had been an electrical engineering professor for something like 10 years. As I recall him explaining it (we were talking about the bullshit my…

This legit happened to a newlywed bride in Canada in 2012. She was doing a trash the dress shoot in a river and the current pulled her under and she drowned.

Everything. Let’s invite toxic friends and family members who we absolutely know are going to ruin everything? Check. Let’s go into even more debt for one day that will inevitably dissapoint by every conceivable measure? Check. Let’s start planning a goddamn year ahead of time so we have the absolutely perfect fabric…

You mean over the sound of phone cameras and notifications on their Facebook all proclaiming, “Badass!” and “Super special day for sure!!”

Since she’s okay I feel fine with my choice here...

And, I would guess, the accompanying roar of self-obsession