Watch An Adult Half-Heartedly Scrap With a Burner Account For The First Time (turns away in shame in disgust)

Even if he had been injured, the packages being offered for Freeman have improved in the last 150 years so that he’ll no longer have to be content with 40 acres and a mule.

Top level positions in the Trump campaign don’t involve a job interview so much as administering a sociopath checklist-quiz; only those scoring 90% or above are considered.

They should really consider some sort of ignorant-ass politician exchange program with our GOP Senators, specifically those from Oklahoma.

They’ve already replaced his collarbone with a piece of aluminum siding, next a rake for a right arm.

Meanwhile, the defense is missing 8 people due to suspensions and Sean Lee has a 40% chance of spontaneously combusting at some point during the season.

Meanwhile, a certain #1 overall pick from a hobo-franchise owned by what appears to be an OCD ex-carny is getting beaten out by Case Keenum and a newly resurgent 48-year-old Scott Zolak.

Oh no, there goes the women’s vote. Again.

Over/under on the number of phone books Adam Schefter will need to sit on to reach the witness box microphone: 3

Holy shit, Smash Mouth is two words? I’ve been typing it as one word for years, going back to alt.tv.-larry-sanders-show (“Why the fuck is Smashmouth on there? It’s bad enough they’re using John Stuart as a guest star.”)

1967: born black in America.

Unfortunately, the renderings of Mark Davis were far less kind.

David Frost: So you’re saying your beauty products are safe?

You don’t remember the first Mechanic? Well let’s see if we can fix that.

Spoiler Alert: the Sports Machine becomes Skynet

“OHHHHHHHHH” — Joey Bosa’s agent and four of his large Italian chums, in unison

“Every 4th plate appearance? I’d kill for that!” — guy who roots for a team that employs/employed Carlos Gomez, Evan Gattis, and Colby Rasmus

In the White Sox’s case, the guaranteed rate of winning is about 45%.

It’s the classic Atwater/Rove strategy: take your weaknesses and project them on your opponent, i.e. baffle them with bullshit.

I can’t believe I gave him my life savings before the ruse was exposed.