"YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE"

"...and a skill for double fisting."

The more scotch eggs you eat the fewer Scottish people will hatch.

Sweet Valley High or GTFO

Congratulations, you win the award for "most pointless, pedantic, and incorrect correction in the history of Kitchenette." Your parents must be proud.

You know, the thing about A to Z is that one of two things is true. Either A) the characters were named Andrew and Zelda and someone was like "Andrew, Zelda...why don't we name it A to Z?" or B) the show was named A to Z and someone was like "The show's named A to Z, why don't we give the characters names that start…

Now I kind of want to go around narrating everything I do. It's like local theater. But everywhere you go. YOU'D BE ENTERTAINING THE MASSES.

I'll never understand attitudes like Morello's. You see it on Yelp all of the time. They refuse to even consider that maybe the restaurant was just busy, and instantly paint themselves as a victim. Nobody gives a shit what you were wearing, what band you're in, how old you are, etc. We're just trying to get through…

I tell my dog "behind" all the time when she's in my way. She's never worked in a restaurant, and she is a dog, but I can't help it.

Screw the family in the last story. They deserved a table by the dumpster. Had my children made fun of a person with special needs, I would have made them apologize. I then would have picked up the family's check and my children would have then had that money deducted out of their allowances until the balance was…

Hey man, his noodles are dope!

If "bootstraps" fucked a yogurt commercial, the bastard offspring would be "Love yourself more."

Could use more vegan options.

Makes the meatball sandwich sign look rookie by comparison.

yassssss Broad City is my favorite thing in this world

when I was a little kid I ordered the shrimp boat while out with my parents. I was so excited. A shrimp boat all to myself. I had plans with that boat. It would sail across the seas in that boat. Imagine my disappointment when it was just a lot of shrimp. Of course I was like 7 at the time.

Hey you, dude with glasses and light blue shirt, call me! I like what you're working with.

Burt I know that you didn't post this just for me and because I was feeling really bad about PA. But I'm going to pretend that you did because you are magnificent and you are made of rainbows.

I think I've seen that elephant at music festivals next to the girl who always shows up with a hula hoop.