Wow that is amazing.

Also I apologize for all the typos. I still get mad about it just retelling the story.

My aunt Bonnie’s second wedding was a small affair in Lake Tahoe. Her cake was from a chain grocery store, which, since it was located Tahoe, did regular wedding cake business and had a pretty large bakery section. My aunt’s fiancé, Steve, picked up the cake the morning of the wedding and came back to the cabin we…

Hahaha yes! Did your bad musician cry all the time during sex, too? Because if so we must be eskimo sisters.

I think if my ex-fiancé ever got engaged, I'd just be pretty pissed if he went through with the wedding without first paying me back for the one he skipped out on.

Is $2,000 just the price we have to pay for not dating an asshole anymore? Seems to be the going rate.

I think this was my standard in my early twenties. Oopsy.

The fallout from dating a shitty person who is also a shitty musician: really bad sad songs written about you when its over. Stop trying to rhyme my name with everything! Quit trying to use metaphors. You’re not smart enough and you’re doing it wrong! Learn a new goddamn chord for chrissakes!

God yes. I'm friends with a lot of men I've slept with, but not the ones I actually dated. They are dead to me.

On behalf of the humans who are sensitive to the scent of blood, please NO.

I was thinking the same thing - maybe it was just one awful, spineless, racist tenant with average computer skills, as opposed to an entire awful, spineless, racist corporation? Either way it's still terrible.

This column is my favorite part of the work week. Always.

I should have clarified the proposal was supposed to be at someone else's new year’s eve party - and a public spectacle. Both of these women were all about hijacking the holiday from everyone. Barf.

But what if you showed up in a full fake body cast? Or with like a celebrity as your plus one. Oh! Or in one of the those giant light up gypsy wedding dresses. Steal a little of that spotlight, just for fun.

I had a client who got in a fight with her MOH because she wanted her Winter Wonderland Wedding to be on New Year's Eve, and eeeeverybody totally knew that was when the MOH's boyfriend was going to propose. And I just wanted to yell YOU'RE ALL ASSHOLES.

Adding this to my arsenal of stuff I'm using to convince my partner to elope.

I feel like if the dudes who wrote the bible had thrown in the word "hypocrite" a few more times, all these extremists would have a better handle on the concept.

I got my dad's wooly mammoth body hair. My mother is hairless like one of those creepy cats. Not fair. Things that I've tried:

*their supporters

I just like it when someone in media mentions Modesto and it's not part of a deposition. My hometown! And vanilla bean Noel for dayyyzzz.