The mating ritual of the New Jersey male continues to mystify anthropologists.

If those guys are from Utah, then those rocks couldn't be more than six thousand years old.

[Crowd cheers]

Stupid fucking ducks. They should know that Gronk's return isn't likely until the shirts come off.

"... and the names of the ducks are Jack, Pack, Whack, Whack, Whack, and Wh... wait a second.. who let fucking Aaron Hernandez name our ducks?"

Sure, the role of the "pure enforcer" is fading out, but that does not mean fighting should disappear with them. Players such as Ryan Reaves, who while still plays strictly 4th line minutes, isn't a liability and has some skill. He's also the "heavyweight" for St. Louis. You'll even see more skilled guys like a…

If only there was a sport where you could watch guys fight each other.

There is no bigger tool than a dude who wears receiver's gloves in the stands.

Best comment from the halftime show:

A Schiano Man is actually opposed to all contraception methods and abortion—not because he believes in the culture of life, but because a real man should be able to prevent pregnancy by screaming at his sperm to knock it off.

So yeah, this guy is an idiot. And he should have just stayed chopping wood at Rutgers. We'd all be better off.

But if I may switch to sarcasm mode for a moment...Clearly these grossly overpaid men playing a kid's game for a living shouldn't be held to any standards of professionalism by their bosses, and if said…

A Schiano Man puts the 45-lb. plates where the 5-lb. plates go.

A Schiano Man only watches lesbian porn because "seeing other dudes' dicks is gay, bro."

A Schiano Man thinks Steubenville was just boys being boys.

A Schiano Man stands on the walking side of the escalator and actively attempts to block your path when you try to pass around him.

A Schiano man screams at his teammates in beer league softball for not sliding to break up a double play.

A Schiano Man grunts every time he stands up from a sitting position.

Does he know there's not really a sandwich in his hand?

He'd probably be someone who . . . is short on neck . . .

Well, sometimes . . .