"Well that's just great. Now NO ONE is going to remember that today's my birthday."

Last week, I went to the first preseason game at the Metrodome ... er, Mall of America Field at the Metrodome ... and saw not one, not two, but three grown-ass human beings wearing Christian Ponder jerseys. Suffice to say, each jersey was tucked firmly into a pair of cargo shorts.

"This here is kind of like running through the okra patch, just a little less cunnilingusy."

"I shit my pants last night."

Heh, heh, heh...you said penal.

Obviously whoever put this together was super excited to get it out because they forgot to include this: 2012 - BENCHED IN FAVOR OF BRADY QUINN.

"Dude, is it just me or are there, like, three sets of dudes who look exactly like us along the baseline?"

"Bill Fagerbakke? More like Bill Fagerbukkake, am I right? Yeaaaah, you goddamn right I'm right. [pause] I am the first person to come up with that joke, you see." - Me, to myself, just now.

Christine is all, like, "God, stop talking about your feelings. This is FUCKING Minnesota."

Kelly says she didn't want to move to Minnesota and mess with Coach's life. But messing with my head by airing these episodes all out of order, NO BIG DEAL.

You would think that when they loaded the series onto the internet they could have, I don't know, put them in the right order.

So much interrupting. How does Coach get any coaching done?

The professor that Coach thought Kelly was going on a date with is not the professor Kelly went on a date with. Oh, ho, ho. You know what they say about what happens when you assume...sometimes you are wrong and it is both embarrassing and HILARIOUS.

Oh, man. Number 76 is fat. He's so fat. He weighs as much as a Pontiac. That's rich.

BELICHICK: "So, $12 million over two years, huh?"

Why can't I annotate the image above this story? I have so many witty things to say.

That's nice, but this is still, by far, the best drive-thru surprise in sports.

I was watching a Vikings game a few years back and at some point turned to my wife, who was pregnant with our first child, and said, "Just so you know, we're raising this kid as a Vikings fan." My wife just rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to the thick book about how to be a good parent, or something. She…

Now, if someone would just start a tumblr page with nothing but pictures of Mo Farah running away from cats, while a clearly unimpressed McKayla looks on, I believe we will finally break the internet.

And man, she is a biiiiiiiitch. I know from experience, dude. If you know what I mean.