Yeah, my mom is also a narcissist. She started taking me to a shrink at age 10. Was also alternately convinced I was being attacked by demons. I’m 36 now and finally cut her off for good when I confronted her about the rape I endured at age 15 which she blamed me for. She responded by telling me I had made the whole…

carrying your own supply of glitter = #lifegoals

I volunteered at a con she was at once. She looked at us, decided we weren’t sparkly enough, and proceeded to sprinkle glitter on each of us. She just had a bag of glitter in her purse! “Now you guys are ready for showbiz!” she said.

I went to Comic-Con, and waited in line to take a picture with her, and she had this pup with her then too! She was just so kind and sweet, she held my hand! and when she thought the photo didn’t turn out well, she asked the picture people to take a second one, and she was right, the first photo I had my eyes closed.…

I would see this movie if even just for her.

Not sure if you’re being sarcastic or trolling, and there’s an alarming lack of specificity in your snotty comment, but we’re gonna do this anyway.

You see, young Elvis was a tricky little brat. In Kindergarten, I was riding home with my dad, brother and brother’s classmate. My brother’s classmate was going to be doing a Thanksgiving play, and I decided that I wanted to be in one too! The catch was, it was Tuesday evening, and tomorrow was the day of said play I…

My favorite cookbook (to read) is a vintage 1950s Better Homes and Gardens. It has a chapter on “How To Pack A Man-Sized Lunchbox.” I may need Aunt Jenny’s book to supplement it.

“I saw Fabio in the Aquatics section of Petco”

“Compassionate conservative”

The other cats hate the three who participated. “Fuck you guys, fucking sell outs. Clive, you literally jumped through hoops for those assholes. And Jeremy. The applause banner. Really, you sad motherfucker? Where’s your dignity?”

We must be related. Here’s a few of my favorites from my Mom,

What is it with strange customers and soup? I never thought I’d have a story to contribute here because I’m a bookseller, but it turns out I’ve got one for you.

For what it is worth, this guy is a lawyer.

The toaster one reminds me of the time one of the librarians smelled food and tracked it down to a woman who was sitting at a reading desk with a crock pot plugged in underneath it, cooking chicken stew.

This lovely man came in every day, I burned his bread, and he left a $5.00 tip on a $4.00 meal. One time, he heard me (quietly, I swear) talking to another waitress about how I couldn’t afford to have my other cat spayed yet, and when he left, I found $100.00 under the cup for my cat.

but like lets just take a moment to imagine president ben carson sitting down with egyptian president sisi

This is also on her list, I know I am not the only one thinking it....

The moral of the story is, don’t run a marathon.

Surely he’d recall his identity after just one look at his monogrammed thermos.