I mean, how do we manage to work at all with all these men in charge?

I was finally coming to terms with turning 30 only to find out that people think 33 is middle aged. I will be breaking out the wine tonight, and flavoring it with my tears.

She's 33. I'm a little terrified now that you called that middle aged.

I would agree with you if this kid still had a tongue. But since the reason he doesn’t have a tongue is because a middle aged woman had to bite it off in self defense, I’m going to go with every human needs to know this kid’s face.

“I don’t believe that he is responsible for his actions,” an unidentified neighbor told the TV station. “He has a brain disorder that causes him to act on impulse and do things… he’s only reading at a second grade level.”

Waiting to feel a tongue SNAP under your teeth is so gross omg I can’t take it (not that he didn’t deserve it.)

Remember to let that Lays bag breathe a little after you open it, I’m sorry aerate.

Me too. I feel really bad that I want to hunt that “chips and dip” woman down and shock her with a cattle prod until she learns how to say “tortillas and salsa.”

Wham clam, thank you ma’am.

The "hot enough" thing drove me off the wall. People would come in and order their lattes at 190-200 degrees, MILK CURDLES AT 180 YOU NASTIES. Also, steaming it to much hotter than the typical "extra hot" setting makes the milk spit viciously and I'm not about to burn myself just so you can melt the lining of your…

In a Mexican restaurant.

Few things are more annoying than whiny little turds who won’t eat anything other than nuggets. Maybe the parents that enable them...

My face reading this. I would be so scared if that happened to me. Great call to not get in the car with him. Oh my god.

Uber hotline: “Larry is my name, raping was once a game of mine. Hello?”

“just above the guy who dug a hole in a bag of butter and had his way with it before being caught in the act.”

Incorrect.

I don’t want to be a grammar dick, because I like having friends, but you should know that years that are plural do not get apostrophes. They work just like any other plural. (For example, it’s 1990s, not 1990’s. It’s the same for ages too. I’m in my 20s, not 20’s.)

The soup of the day is usually Hitler miss, but I’m sure you’ll just Goebbels up today’s gestapo soup.