Once, an 8-top of Christians left one of those “Here’s a Tip for You!” pamphlets on my table, in lieu of a cash tip. I was sort of used to this, so I didn’t remark much, just tossed it into the bus tub with the rest of the debris, and a glower.

I once had a customer who ordered a cheeseburger with Swiss but got cheddar. When the mistake was realized, I apologized and offered her a free cookie. She replied, “Honey, if this is the worse thing to happen to be today, then I’ve got a pretty good life.” After getting bitched at by stuck up college kids and…

I’m from Arkansas and wanted a conflict-free diamond for my wedding ring. Bonus points from it being in my home state and all. Guess what...those muhfuckers are hella expensive. It would have cost less for me to fly to Africa and spend 6 months in a mine my dang self to find a certified conflict-free rock. I plan on…

20 tablespoons butter (you can mix with regular butter if you want to tinker with the strength)

The “No Bra,” “Beaver’s Breath,” and “Smoking Fox” names are especially awful, considering the high rates of sexual violence against Native women.

I remember watching Reel Injun in high school. And all of those things, so true. I want to rip out every fake fucking feather of Coachella “War bonnets”.

The real Mark Twain plays the role of “dead man doing barrel rolls in the grave forever”

White people have a good name?

What does “quantifiably disgusting” mean? If he claims that’s science, tell him to jump off a cliff. My master’s in chemistry trumps his majoring in biochemistry. I am also immunocompromised. Send him an email or write a letter telling to wash his hands each time he uses the bathroom or prepares food because he is…

I would seriously, seriously recommend going into a lingerie shop and getting them to fit you - those ladies are professionals who know their business. My mother and I (we both used to work in lingerie) took my aunt to one before she got married last year, and they fit her properly in a 34-D even though she had been…

I would seriously, seriously recommend going into a lingerie shop and getting them to fit you - those ladies are…

::Ring ring::

Yeah, I mean, i’m a Christian, but I don’t see why churches get to be tax exempt. If they are providing a charity service, which is registered, approved, and independently confirmed to be fulfilling a service like any charity, religious or secular, fine, tax exempt status has a a reason for being there. Prove you…

It’s from the sermon on the mount, the specific instructions re:public/private prayer is in Matthew 6:5-8. There are other parts of the bible that reiterate this, and Jesus never publicly prays (he’ll give blessings and thanks, as well as preach to his followers, but not actual prayers. He is frequently described as…

they can only dream of being rubbed all over a body

truly they are the congealed grease loaf of the internet

I remember seeing an ad in the paper for a bunch of tests you could have done privately, for like $800. I think it included a pet scan, which is like a cancer screening. My mom had just died, and I was like, Dad, I want you to go get these tests right now, and he was like, no baby, I got good doctors and good…

It is hard when you have to go to the store and find all of that crap when I can just walk over to the deli section and pick up a container of pre-made hummus. Yes, I’m lazy.

See? Men are just TOO emotional to be president. What if he gets into a spiteful bad mood and launches nukes or something? Men have such delicate feelings and just can’t control them, the poor dears.

I guess this would be called posthummus.

Why is it "so sensitive" to cry when a stranger who may or may not have power over your job goes on a massive and unprovoked personal attack? I rather think we should laud the restraint shown by so many of the servers...