She checked the game’s map and, sure enough, some sort of GPS weirdness was causing her character to pace back and forth, gaining distance even though the phone wasn’t moving.

Then I’ll have SeaWorld install a park in the White House backyard, because it’s a disaster that no U.S. president has ever owned a whale. NEVER. Crazy.

Even Homer Simpson would make it to day 30.

Day 17. Putin has been talking smack about me. A couple of nukes will let him know who’s boss.

chris christie is typing it. he's back from mcdonalds and had nothing else to do

Ellie, how do you type with such short fingers?