My family flew to Europe from Chicago. My wife and I flew business class, and we put the 8 and 12 years olds in coach. Needless to say, they fought with each other and screamed for most of the flight. I just pretended that they weren’t my kids. Awesome.

Remember when Daisy Duke was at his MNF game wearing his jersey?

Hockey playoffs worthy.

Not to worry. Come October, Sox vs Cubs. Book it.

I would watch if the Chicago Blackhawks were still in it.

The horses have pretty good lives. Pampered each and every day. Once in a while they get to run like the wind. And if they're champions, they get to spend the rest of their lives fucking. Sort of like human athletes. With bigger dicks.

I thought I was the only one who loved Martha. Now I see that everyone does. She really is a likable person.

Being of Lithuanian descent, I am strangely attracted to Martha. On a genetic level. She has it all. Cooks, makes the house look nice, is probably a tiger in bed, makes bank, and is quite pretty. The model for women.

What do you do with 2000 pounds of batteries when they wear out?

Now they can go play in the “W” until they age out, lose their ability to play college hockey, and become zamboni drivers in five years.

In the same way that O.J. Didn't go to jail for murder, but did go for kidnapping, Ray Jr. Is going cause they couldn't get his dad for murder.

What kind of world do we live in where the idea of one man eating another mans asshole is considered normal?

1 game. Hawks are a big draw.

I pay $4000 per month for a studio on Madison Ave. I am on the fifth floor and the elevator doesn’t work. But I have a doorman!

Fuck em.