I'm really not fond of the notion of pain anywhere near my junk.

Darth Sweetie isn't impressed either.

Well let's just say that Admiral Ginger isn't impressed.

As someone with 6 Star Wars tattoos, I shouldn't judge. But still...

Forget "naughty" nuns in skimpy tarted-up habits.

The next logical step is a religious exemption from prosecution for people who choose to embrace the tenets of the Old Testament. Stonings and slavery for everyone!

Mandles are a competitor's man-scented candles.

Because there is already a line of candles by a competitor named that.

My apartment smells like Safari For Men, coffee, frying bacon, and fresh fruit.

I was just in Long Beach last weekend, perusing the vintage shops. One of my friends and I saw an actual mountain of clothes for sorting out back. As in the pile was 40' long and about 15' high at its peak.

Having read the double-blind studies that the companies and having been a lawyer for over a decade, yes, more often than not, they are very interested in not killing consumers.

It's Anti-vac Lite. The notion that the risk of disease is less than the pain of a shot. And the problem is that they're not gambling with their own kids' lives (which is horrible). They're gambling with everyone's kids' lives. "I don't think that my kid will get mumps so I'm just going to go ahead and skip that…

Maybe there is something to that idea. Someone should spend billions of dollars looking into it.

Dear anti-vac crowd:

Don't forget to poop in a box. If possible, vomit onto the living room rug too.

It couldn't hurt.

If there was a donut around my penis, I would have eaten it by now.

I think Cosmo has confused women with Gila Monsters. It's a common mistake.

The only time that it is okay to slap my penis is if I am using it to eat peanut butter out of the jar. And then, two fingers only. No rolled up newspaper.

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a pathetic wuss like you to pass into the Octagon of Heaven.