No way. Dee in the bathroom as an ostrich!

That’s true, but also way more nuanced than most Hollywood producers are going to get.

Turdmendous repooting 

It’s more fun to reduce huge problems down to a single one that one can then smugly comment on in a “Why can’t you be logical like ME?” way.

I know it must have been, because I appear to have triggered a handful of chodes in the greys.

Finally, a video that belongs on Deadspin.

Your mom has a lot of spunk for using that word.

I like your mom...

Wu*. I only correct because the way you wrote it makes Bullock sound like Ric Flair. 

Ahem...

if he keeps playing this brilliantly we’ll have to call him Fred Zeppelin

This is really the best comment here. 

You shit yourself at work during a meeting. It’s obvious to all present—they can hear it, smell it and, as you run out of the room, see it.

“And don’t miss the Heath Ledger story.”

This is the obligatory reminder that according to Deadspin, the Lakers should have, nay, deserved to be gifted Anthony Davis because they’re so well run.

Your chips are in a tupperware? Sounds like you have it together to me.

10/10, would cuddle and feed tender young shoots of bamboo.

Absolutely. The albino panda is adorable, and even if it wasn't, it's doing its best.

Sarah Andersen summin’ it up

Next time a relative brings this up tell them you’re eagerly awaiting the first round of infidelity and divorces. Unless you like your cousins, of course. In that case, just tell prying relatives to mind their own damn business.