My mom is crunchy and I was born at home with my parents' dogs (and a midwife) in attendance. My father disappeared for several hours, and when he returned, she tried to crush his hands while alternately screaming, "WHERE THE FUCK WHERE YOU?" and, "GIVE ME THE FUCKING DRUGS"

That is hysterical. And what the hell did she think she was going to gain by that, anyway? Do dolphins have mystical healing powers?

One of my proudest moments is when, at the tender age of 7, I farted so loud I woke myself up. Then I heard the dog start barking, and my mom sleepily holler, "Did you just fart?"

I would just like to say that although I love NYC with all my heart, and although we are way more tolerant than a lot of cities, I encounter violent homophobes and sexists on a regular basis, as well as racists fairly often (though they tend to be in enclaves)

They get off on our inability to get away. Fuck them and the horse they rode in on.

yes! Sometimes shaming will stop the casual misogynist. I think they expect us to get scared or aroused, and scorn scrambles their ignorant brains.

Kicking someone with your blade/heel in the front of their knee ain't that hard, but I see what you mean. I think everyone should know how to break an elbow...all you need is to leverage it over you shoulder. And even if you don't break it, you can apply pressure that would make most dudes let go. Regardless, I…

All right...where is the trigger warning for this? I've had to read a bunch of titles with the word "nigger" in them...there is literally no connotation in which that word is not horribly hateful.

Even better, break his knee or elbow. It's not hard - the joint only goes one way.

Yup.

When I was in college and a dude started literally humping me while I was reading a book on the train, I turned sharply and elbowed that fucker hard in the chest without even making eye contact.

GODDAMNIT WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS FIRST

"I didn't read through 5,000 pages of heraldry and lamprey pie recipes to find out the three heads of the dragon via a GODDAMN TV SHOW."

Aww, still sucks. Yeah, dudebros are fond of strength in numbers style, assault lite shit. I had a nasty incident in a club once and now I don't let hands anywhere near my crotch whilst out. Fuck that. If the general public can't be trusted not to insert their fingers into my orifices, I guess no one gets to have…

Oh man...and that they will be convinced the South will rise again...only in America is glorifying a secessionist movement that lost a civil war 150+ years ago, over slaves, ok.

oh fuck. so sorry to hear that.

It's like a lawn jockey, but somehow way, way worse.

Perfectly captures my feelings while also expressing the surrealism of racism...

You would have no control for that study, sadly.

I'm going to be repeating a paraphrased version of that last bit to a lot of people.