Goddamn I’d love for her to type “vegan.”

It constantly amazes me that people have so little to do. I’m over here working 12 hour days and raising a son and traveling twice a week for work and just realized I haven’t washed my hair in three days. But people have time to work with a chicken. To make it tweet. NOPE.

Ugh...this reminds me of several years ago, when I had just broken up with this guy, mostly for being too clingy. I had left facebook open in my browser, walked back in the room, and my cat had typed and sent a gibberish post on his wall. The “no, seriously we’re broken up” conversation had to start all over again…

I agree.

Look, Jezzies, I too am ready to settle for Hillary Clinton’s brand of hypercentrist pantsuited warhawking. But let me pine for Bernie, in the green pastures of America’s unreachable left field, for just a few more months.

Degeneres reportedly got him to dance poorly

It kinda sounds like the “alcohol, drug use, and misogyny” accusation was a knee-jerk reaction to hearing the word ‘rap,’ regardless of either context or specific details.

Oh, for pete’s sake. I am the farthest thing froma Macklemore fan, but this is patently absurd.

Ok, so I work in insurance because I’m the devil, and I guarantee she’s suing so the kid’s family’s insurance will pay her medical bills. That is the only way she’ll get paid. Home or renters policies typically have low medical payment limits ($1,000 - $10,000) that will be paid regardless of liability, but to tap…

Unless there is some major family turmoil going on here, I’m pretty sure this is about the fact that the kid’s father’s homeowners’ insurance policy won’t pay for her lost work time and pain and suffering unless she sues the kid even though it’s covered by the policy. I’m sure it’s been discussed with the father and…

It’s a well-known fact that psychopaths are obsessed with pants-zipping.

I take my coffee like I take my women. Ground up, Peruvian, and in the freez—

What, now i’m a psychopath because I actually like the taste of coffee?

“They first bitch about all the fish.”

And yet, a person probably still couldn’t get a decent cup of hot tea in America. Sigh.

I just threw up in my mouth a little

The finest microwaves.

I read every one of these - and there were definitely some gems - but I just flat-out can’t get over putting jelly on pizza, let alone asking for it like it’s not completely insane.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT EAT PINKHAM YOU DON’T OWN ME

“Their rights to free speech are being violated” LMAO. Listen, you cockknockers, a right to free speech doesn’t give you the right to lie to patients, nor is it violated by you being forced to tell your patients what it is that your so-called crisis pregnancy center actually does and does not do. Them suing the…