Definitely not kissing him now. Think about where that Pope has been.

Although I worry that everyone is going to want to kiss him now.

So I was expecting armageddon trying to get to work today in DC, but it turned out to be a breeze. Chill pope made the traffic BETTER in DC, which clearly counts towards one of his miracles for sainthood.

me when i see u at parties

It's only allowed if you get papal consent.

I mean, it’s one thing to have that angry inner monologue when you get cut off on the freeway because “FUCKING _____ DRIVERS”. Yeah, we all do that shit. And then we catch ourselves and go, “ugh, stop it... me.” And then you argue with yourself, arrive at the same conclusion as yourself, and pat yourself on the back…

Spot On, Ari.

I have an entire podcast dedicated to my irrational hatred of Neandertals and their filthy ilk. I just don’t publish it. That shit’s way too edgy for public consumption.

We didn’t always say nice things, and sometimes we were downright mean. Sometimes I just vented about frustrating experiences in an immature, hateful, and foolish way. It was in particular a breach of trust to post intimate details about lovers. I was naive enough to think it’d stay anonymous, and I was wrong.

I’d consider him a solid 9.5 in terms of punchability.

“I know my face says otherwise, but I do in fact prefer not to be punched. No it’s OK everybody does it.”

“Dear Ask A Clean Person:

For those people who don’t have an encyclopedic memory of BCO stories, here’s Dustin Hucks’ breadstick story.

Didn't know calling in dead was a thing. Totally trying that out tomorrow.

Or their kids.

So she's saying that it's not a clock? Do tell me, Sarah, what is it?

I think she’s just mad because Ahmed is better than any of her kids.

I wonder if Her Royal Nibs actually writes these or an intern does, then lets Queen Sarah fill in the blanks Mad Libs-style with words like “obstinate” and “conscientious”. Though I wonder why the Queen of England is even commenting on American politics. I’d definitely love to read her thoughts on her PM’s pig-fucking…

There it is.

Responding with the classic: