I don’t think Elizabeth Warren is boy-crazy, Steinem. I don’t think far-left women are boy-crazy. I think they’re just socialist.

I am planning on playing XCOM 2, giving up after 5 missions and starting over, giving up after 4 missions and starting over, giving up after 10 missions and starting over, giving up after 2 missions and starting over, then save-scumming the shit out of the game to play through the story.

Lincoln’s pissed and this time he’s out for payback.

My partner is very supportive of my gaming habit. “You want a new $600 monitor? Then buy that monitor, you deserve it!” That’s just so in two weeks, this will happen - Me: “You spent HOW much on a purse??” Her: “I don’t want to hear a word about it, Mr. ‘$600 Monitor’”.

I’m expecting at least a 4.5/7 based on his review.

THE NHL RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REPORT SUCH MISCONDUCT TO APPROPRIATE LAW ENFORCEMENT AUTHORITIES.

So he doesn’t even finish the first Godus game, pisses everyone off and even publically apologizes (half-heartedly, I’ll add), and then makes another.

Agreeing with Trump on anything is totally frightening to me. I may have a fever.

What they won’t say but believe “They should have married a rich guy who can afford to fly them to another country to have a secret abortion, like I do with all my mistresses.”

The U-pick-em pro-life responses to the Zika Virus:
“They shouldn’t have traveled to a third world country.”
“They shouldn’t live so close to a third world country.”
“They should’ve lived in another country.”
“They shouldn’t be having sex.”

You just kinda...scissor or something

Soon.

I call it “two dollars to daydream.” I know I’m not going to win, but I’ll buy a ticket then drive home thinking about all the fun ways I can spend that money. For me, that daydream is worth the $2.

He took 528 fucking shots in a season. What even is life?

This is absolutely right. These poor college football players are routinely abducted from their high schools, put on cramped buses and shipped off to colleges against their will. There, they are forced to eat free food, attend free classes, live rent-free, face the adulation of tens of thousands of fans and play a…

Good lord guys, Jaromir Jagr isn’t THAT young.

Afterward, Greer said no big whoop, it was harder when he was a freshman on the college team, when he was forced to eat two balls.

Surround them and prevent them from being resupplied, then blast recordings of Hillary Clinton speeches until they can't take it anymore.

Every time I think I do something stupid on my bike, this crap comes up and I don’t feel like such a tool any more.

Try to read that without compulsively stroking your chin in a display of deep contemplation. You can’t!