My old roommate was a nurse. We lived down the street from our city’s main hospital, and we wanted another roommate to help out with rent. She was not the most ideal roommate for my best friend, but I liked her enough that one Sunday afternoon we walked down to the gas station to pick up some 40s so we could day drink…

Mine is the reason I’m pissed at 343 for not putting Split-Screen in Halo 5.

OMFG, I’m a grown as fuck 28yr old man I WANT that Chewbacca teddy bear!!

I am of the opinion that when you crack 80, all bets are off. Same reason I’m taking a pile of heroin to a small island and waving from afar til I kick it. Because fuck it all, that’s why. Come get me if it’s worth your time.

CHARLIZE THERON HAS MENSTRUATED ALL OVER MY MASCULINITY.

Is "enchanted evenings • event ends in change" a reference to losing your virginity on prom night?

I still watch it, but mostly just to look at the rooms.

Oh, oh! I am totally crust of Shepard's pie complexion. That sounds so sexy I may lick my own arm.

I always fancied myself a "Clam Chowder"

This is such a great time to be pale, especially because white people have great new ways their coloring can be described, like "mozzarella undertones" or "exotic, mashed potato skin."

Yes! From Telltale:

Have you ever done the whole number delete only to scroll through your call log to find it again using deductive reasoning? Or delete the number but realize it was useless because you had it memorized and was just a bottle of wine away from pathetically texting him again?

I've been single and not looking for the last 10 months and this makes me never want to date again.

I just noticed that it supports up to 4 players locally and 16 online. Sounds like a fun marriage.

Not exactly what I want in a marriage.