"My mule wouldn't walk in the mud, so I had to put eighteen bullets in him."

"Now I've heard that a child is using his imagination, and I've come to put a stop to it."

*pulls grenade pin with teeth*

"I'm riding the bus today because mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it."

You jive turkey! You've got to sass it.

On top of a pile of money.

"Now.. for my Woody Allen impression. I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls."

Lighten up, Bitterman. He'll make a fine secretary for my cabinet, secretary party down!

"For more information on Grand Funk, consult your school library."

"We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt."

Hate crime!

"That's that cannonball guy, he's cool."

"Or hey, if you just want to come by and jam, I used to be the bassist for the Pretenders."

"You turned a possible Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island."

"Oh my god! Trampopoline! Tramop… trampop…"

"THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!"

Yeah, I try and make reference jokes when it works. I'm always kinda worried people won't get them but still.

Wow, I'm sorry. That last part must've been great though. But that must be hard.

"Dear Lisa, as I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown… and replaced, by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull! Sincerely, little girl."

"Remember when we used to make out to this hymn?"