For what it’s worth, I think this is terrifically clever and you would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for your meddling mother.

Apparently my grandma had some valuable lladros that are now in my uncle’s attic. Its a thing?

yo this is a well executed plan IMO. way to think on your feet. just didn’t happen to work out...

I am the crappiest liar ever. I get all hot in the cheeks, my back stiffens up and I start to sweat on my forehead. It is both hilarious and mortifying. So, I invariably get caught in a lie in the middle of while telling it. Great moment in time at an old girlfriends dinner table (while in high school). Her dad…

Did ya even try, Smokey? I Second That Skin Lotion was right there.

He has such high regards for the sanctity of marriage that he did it three times! That’s three times more regard than someone who is only married once! Did I get this right, Kellyanne?

Yeah, he actually started out pretty damn funny, telling the kind of jokes you’re supposed to tell at this kind of event. He was, dare I say, likable. The Melania joke was truly funny.

There wasn’t a single eye roll, smirk, or cocked eyebrow.

In fairness my image is neither crafted nor polished, and I don’t really want to be associated with Kim or the Kardashian brand, either.

The best debunk of Moon Landing hoaxers I’ve ever seen is still the guy who pointed out that the hours of uninterrupted live broadcast which millions of people watched was not only impossible to film without cuts (moreso if they used slow motion to fake low grav), it couldn’t have been stored on any existing hard…

She used to be, but has been such an asshole lately. I think we’re out of good Kardashians until Angela takes the name.

Wow, that man is ... no words. Sorry that happened to you. This election is bringing out some really terrifying things. I feel like some of us are just working hard to keep the dam from bursting, but that it’s only a matter of time.

Their voices are telling me they’re huge fans of the Chucky doll. Huge. Just yuuuuge.

THANK YOU! I was wondering if it would be too gauche to point out what a shitty swastika that is, but apparently I’m not the only one with thinks so.

We don’t have a voice anymore, and Donald Trump is giving us a voice.

I stood waiting at a crosswalk next to Abe Vigoda once. I didn’t want the opportunity to escape so I just told him “I really admire your work, Mr. Vigoda.” He gave me a big smile and said “Thank you very much, son. I appreciate it!”

Johnny Cash once sat at the table next to mine at the Bottom Line on night. He had the courtesy to not pester me the entire evening. I remember giving him a grateful nod as I left.

If you’re carrying enough water weight to produce tears, you’re too bloated for the runway fam.

Fortunately, their comments only translate to 75% of any value.

This is a bit of a long one, sorry.