For your viewing pleasure.

One time when my ex was going down on me, I farted. Understand that when I say "I farted," it's an understatement akin to describing the Arctic Circle as "a place where you should probably bring a jacket." Mine was not some demure, coquettish poot, but a nuclear apocalypse trumpet that heralded the arrival of the four…

I was dating this guy, and I was attracted to him on an intellectual level because he was so creative, but the physical attraction wasn't very high. He was kind of an awkward lover - if we switched from me on top to him on top, instead of rolling over, he'd stand up on the bed while I laid down. And not only would he…

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I was dating this guy for a couple of weeks but hadn't slept with him yet because I was coming out of a bad relationship and wanted to take things slow. He said he was fine with that, but then still would ask if he could stay over every time we hung out. Then the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup and I was in a good mood…

i thought that was implied

(ask her to have sex with you)

My step son showed me a text message exchange of his with the girl he's now dating (they weren't at the time). I read through it, stop, and say, "Dude, you're being creepy. You're not funny. It's creepy. Stop it."

He was stunned. "But that's how my friends all talk to each other."
Me: "Your friends are idiots. Even you…

Butters : UR s00 hawt

Hey! #NotAllJoshes