Hey, Taubman, here’s a tip: if you’re going to be a dick, you should at least try to not look like a dick. You’re starting out in a hole, man  

So, Belichick is saying: I made a promise to Thomas, but then it became inconvenient for me to keep that promise, so what are you gonna do?

Halo Top is not good. If you’re hankering for ice cream, eat ice cream. I don’t know what Halo Top is, but it ain’t that. They should change their labeling to “Halo Top Frozen Dessert Product.”

250 degrees in the oven (on a rack) for 15-20 minutes. Then 2 minutes per side in a pan to get a nice sear. Let it rest. 

His market will not dry up, unfortunately. The hater Christians will be lining up to support his business.

Jeez, why would you want to buy a cake from that asshole?

Give the guy a break. He’s entitled to relax for a while and build up his bank account. It’s WAY too soon to get on his case about his post-Presidency.

If it’s something weird by Norm MacDonald, it’s almost certainly a joke.

I’ve got 6-pack abs. You just can’t see them under the flab.

You shifty bastard.

That was me. I’m not proud of it. But I don’t want to talk about the past. Can’t we all just move on?

The author is correct; if he was a good player he’d have an NFL job. But he’s not, so he doesn’t.