Your lifelong dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie. And you did it at the county fair last year, remember?

Today in now-you-feel-old: Elian Gonzalez will become old enough to drink this year. Y'know, if he lived in a country that cared about drinking ages.

You laugh, but I still listen to "Ugly" to this day. I can't name another song of his, but that one track holds up.

Eminem's contingent in West Virginia and Alaska makes sense if you remember that those two states are about 10-15 years behind the rest of the country.

Also, we're pretty low on floorboards, so at some point we may just have to start painting dirt.

Can the poems. It's ass-whupping time!

I have a sneaking suspicion that the only reason Charles Barkley agreed to do it is because he lost a bet to Michael Jordan.

I just realized now how poorly constructed the Monstars' team was. Leaving aside the fact that considering Muggsy Bogues and Shawn Bradley "the best the NBA had to offer" at any time is laughable, the starting lineup still had two centers (Ewing and Bradley) and two natural power forwards. Even with Larry Johnson…

I'm incredibly torn about this. I mean, Karen Gillan and the creator of Suburgatory? I could get on board. But can I really bring myself to watch a show called "Selfie?" It took me almost a full season of people telling me "It's gotten better" to finally submit to Cougartown.

Or is that just what I want people to think?

Excuse me while I go register a bunch of incredibly stupid domain names like "CoolBook" and "DateMatch" so that these producers have to pay me a ton of money once they all find their way into episodes.

It's obviously "Squeeze Box"

I think we all expected that. I mean, look at your mustache.

I didn't see it in there, but my favorite so far has been the images comparing the players to Meeseeks. It's now literally the only way I can picture them now.

When are they gonna get to the space raccoon factory?

Was the Boxcar Children about solving mysteries? I remember the series but I never read any of them.

Don't even trip, dog. Just enjoy the ride.

I know, right? Everyone knows you're supposed to be born with an interesting name, and then change it to something bland because your real name's too Jew-y.

False. Her obvious peak was as Marcia Brady in the Brady Bunch movies.

So, the "hot toy" they're after's gonna be an iPhone, right? And Apple won't let them have the rights to use the name, so it'll have some stupid knock-off name like the "Strawberry ePhone" or something like that, right? They're not honestly gonna pretend like kids still want action figures, are they?