This is like my fantasy. If only my guy were punk rock enough.

I have received the occasional beautiful dick pic. But that was a truly lovely dick, and it also wasn't sent out of the blue.

The reverse works for me! I'm middle-aged, but don't want to look like I shop at Talbots. Now that Coldwater Creek ("Clothes for moms and teachers") has closed, LOFT is my next best option.

Yup. And I thought that's what the tag #hotmessmoves was supposed to connote. As in, a hot mess would do this; you're not a hot mess, right? You're better than that.

And my first thought was that you spelled "penises" wrong.

Alternate Feminist Dad: Gets all enraged at new Lego toys for girls, shops for her in the boys clothing section, and gets really vocal about his daughter's right to play with trucks. Says it's because he opposes gender segregation for kids. But the fact that his kid does not own a single doll, skirt, or anything even…

One can get irritated at overused phrases or linguistic crutches, though. My editor once got on my case for using "check out this..." too often in e-mails. I hadn't realized how much I was leaning on it until he lost his shit at me.

He also looks a smudge like Cumberbatch without that otter-like quality.

To be fair, at first I thought that's where they were going with it as well, until they made it clear that he might be getting pranked back. I think it was just a delayed reaction.

Eh, she kind of always looks like that. Also, it was hot as fuck in there; I'd be looking cranky too!

Also, he is clearly so utterly, besottedly in love with his wife. He takes true joy in every well-deserved shout-out she gets.

Eh, in the land of the Steves, my choice will always be Colbert over Carrell.

I would ABSOLUTELY give up multiple orgasms in exchange for living free from the fear of rape or physical aggression, of slut-shaming, of general disrespect and sexism. You have got to be kidding, you troll.

So what you're saying is that if someone likes chicken mole, or chicken gumbo, or chicken cacciatore, then they don't like chicken? Sorry, buddy, but cuisine can be way more complex than your simplistic rules allow for, and it's okay to combine flavors.

do you ever put it on buttered pasta? Mmmmm.

God I love Vegemite. Though I prefer marmite, given a choice. (Heads off to the kitchen to make some buttered toast with marmite.)

It's even better in black coffee! Not a spoonful, just a dash — you don't even taste the salt, just the smoothness.

Salt in coffee is exquisite alchemy indeed. When someone taught me that trick, it was as though I were seeing the world with fresh eyes. (Apparently it counteracts any bitterness to give a smoother finish.) Now, would you like to know my grandfather's trick for amazing fried eggs? A dash of red wine vinegar on the…

I can't wait until the coffee assholes start ordering half-skim flat whites, and you tell them they can't have it like that and their heads explode.

But, but! Aren't we all virgins?! That's what they'd rather think, maybe?