No! No! No!

That’s the ‘right’ way to bribe your kid into college. Even the guy who did the scam with the celebrities admitted to it

I usually don’t like to pass judgment on 19-year-olds, but holy hell is Olivia Jade tempting me. I didn’t know that she existed half an hour ago, and now she’s skyrocketed up to Martin Shkreli-levels of insufferability.

Anyone who considers Yelp to be a reliable source for where they should or shouldn’t eat/drink is a fucking moron. Full stop. To call it a dumpster fire is offensive to dumpster fires.

Given that this case involves beer, I presume Kavanaugh would be writing the majority opinion...

We’ve seen this SVU episode before, no?

*Hamberdler (sorry)

Good thing you shelled out for the test with “accurate” on it. I’m the kind of cheapskate who figures that it’s worth saving a few bucks to get the one with “close enough” on it. It’s not like my dog really cared when I found out she was a Yorkshire Terrier-Mastiff mix, with 8% ferret DNA mixed in.

Take her head and rub her nose in the terrible tip and say, “Did you do that? No! Bad tipper, bad!” She should learn her lesson after the second or third time.

Wait till he finds out that the guy fucked his mom too.

SHARPEN YOUR FUCKING KNIVES! I think that may be the biggest thing that make chopping onions go from an art to risky hacking and sawwing at a pungent stump. I always hit the sharpener before diving in. I probably need better knives.

When we win according to their stacked rules, they change the rules. 

That guy is 1 million times better at Twitter than Rovel. 

If I were rich I still wouldn’t pay for cbs all access. Wait, you mean it's like Netflix but just for cbs? Fuck that entire thought process, concept and idea. 

Why does dough almost always taste infinitely better than the thing it’s baked into?

They can pry my cookie dough from my cold, dead hands. I’ve been eating it my whole life and have no plans to stop now.

“You’re probably thinking about eating Knickers, which is honestly pretty fucked up.”

A herd of dwarf cows is equally impressive.

To be fair, that’s an Australian cow. It’s size is greatly exaggerated by the Mercator projection.

I was so tickled by this animal that I said out loud in an Australian accent, “Awwwwwww, what’s up Knickers?” and now HR wants to speak with me.