I’m dying laughing here, had never heard that euphemism before.

Oh my gosh! These are great.

I am so alone.

Thing Jesus did say: “Fuck this fig tree in particular!”

...actually, he really could be. Jesus had a serious temper problem at times. He kept it in check mostly, but I think it’s one of Jesus’s more humanizing traits.

That is true. What’s that line? ‘Your mum and dad, they fuck you up?” I tried to figure out how to not sound judgemental about her altered looks, but I don’t think I was at all successful. I feel like this hypersexualized appearance painted her into a corner where it’s porn or playboy and she has little choice, based…

you go straight to hell.

oh my god I wasn’t expecting this and just snort laughed until I choked

More doughnuts or too soon?

Off-topic: When did Courtney have a cobra?

is that a pyramid of shrimp on giant cubes of ice?

Meanie. Now I’m going to have to spray the hell out of everything with Ortho Home Defense

One of those fuckers scurried out from a stack of papers on my husband’s side of the bed. I liked to think my brave kitties caught and ate it but they usually fail to live up to their reputations as the world’s greatest hunters. Needless to say I’m thinking of sleeping on the couch.

That’s beautiful, a real “wow” presentation. I especially love the giant martini glass full of remoulade!

No. I wish he wasn’t an asshole but here we are.

Jesus didn’t say anything because he wasn’t real. *tips fedora*

You know what he did say though?

My first day of my senior year of college, some girl stopped me in the bookstore and asked if she could take a picture of me for some college fashion blog

you’re god damn right you can take a picture of me for your fashion blog

My biggest regret about living in the Midwest is derth of good cheap seafood.

Well there goes my idea for a business that turns dead cat parts into bespoke sex toys. I had an Etsy store set up and everything.