I detest the willfully ignorant. I give you major kudos for not smacking her.

“TEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETOS!”

“Actually, sir, that’s a Bud Light.”

I have two from my cousin:

Oh my goodness, this cracked me up. “Why do we eat bread?” really IS a tough philosophical question to answer out of nowhere.

It’s a miniature desert, sir. Keep an eye out for our herd of tiny camels.

My late, proud-of-her-ignorance MIL used to pronounce the word “computer” as “kumpewder” and she’d always lift her chin in my direction as if to say... I dunno what. Trying to prove her point that “kumpewders” weren’t here to stay (yes — she would go on regular rants about how kumpewders were destroying the world).…

My sister, bless her heart, was eating Thanksgiving dinner when she suddenly spat out a mouthful of Apple pie in disgust. When asked why she complained about the apples in it and said, “I thought that was just a name!” She was 19 at the time.

I could probably submit one of these about myself. Many years ago when Subway sandwich shops were rocketing to the top of the national consciousness with the “Subway diet” I stopped in one day to eat with my family. I was a teenager and was waiting behind my family not really paying attention until I got up to the…

Same for chocolates with hazelnut ground up in it. Only allergic to whole nuts.

I have been trying to shift it around in my head to see how he possibly could have gotten there:
Tanqueray. Tank and tonic. T and Tonic. T and to? T-to?

Why is it so hard for most folks to just shrug and say “hmm I never knew that about giraffes” and just move on from there? No one is going to go around referencing that story as “well this one time an idiot customer came in and...” Of course I ask that question as a person who makes it a life goal to not ever be…

Not food related but, my sister - also old enough to know better- saw a homeless man on the side of the road when we were down in Florida and said to the car “we should tell [name of our aunt and uncle who lived in the area] about him.” “Why?” my mother replied. “Because they can start bringing [the names of their…

“We call that Tito’s where I’m from.”

Love how beautiful it is when someone is completely and demonstrably proven to be wrong, and they retreat into lunatic denials to cover their ignorance.

Apparently it’s lethal to say “Oh, I really didn’t know that, my mistake, sorry.”

Daiquiri Danger

Sir must be from Liarsville because everybody everywhere calls Tanqueray “Tank” (not Tito’s) for short.

my mother thought for years that if she put the onions in the blender i wouldn’t notice, and therefore wouldn’t be allergic. the christmas dinner episode finally convinced her that even if i don’t know the onions are there, i STILL have trouble breathing after i eat them. so now she knows it’s not all in my head, but…

re: Tito’s Gin-

I always assumed a poached egg was some sort of lion egg that hunters acquired using unscrupulous means.

then a last breakfast together at the local Coney Island

I also like Tito’s Tennessee whiskey.