“I am the future head of PR for the Astros.”

Or “Future social media intern for the Trump administration”

They should post another one that says: “I am a former social media account manager.”

“Right next to the airport, Miami International. One of the biggest airports in the world. Some people say it’s the biggest, but it’s one of the biggest”

every morning I get up and eat a plate of delicious men’s brains

At this point, Trump is daring Republican senators to come for him. He knows that they know that he’ll take half the party with him if they betray him. Few will be able to win in a primary, and none would be able to win a general election if he told his devotees to stay home. Turning on Trump will crack the…

Entirely correct. The Cowboys organization is more about marketing and image than assembling a winning team.

I’d rather be beat by the defense than beat by the refs. I’ll take any play where my players have the ball in their hands at that point. 

Well, one possible reason could be because the combined records of the 6 opponents that NE has faced this season have a collective record of 7-22. And 4 of those wins are by the Bills, the only team with a winning record. And that Bills team, too, had a cake schedule including the Jets, the Giants, and the Bengals.…

Ellen, GWB tried to put an anti-LGBT amendment in the Constitution because he was antsy about not getting a second term and needed to fire up the base. As in, he literally believed you and your wife weren’t entitled to the rights he has, which laid the foundation for Trump to win now.

We had 5 Mikes in our grade 12 history class (out of 25 total). It paid off because we sat in a cluster and whenever the teacher asked “Mike” a question, the guy who happened to know the answer would pipe up.

Sprinting and distance running really do work differently. I won MVP of my 8th grade cross country team, and the same year they had to let me do the shuttle run twice in gym class so I could pass it.

$10 for a jar of marinara? Must be nice being part of the 1%

Does CC Sabathia still count? If there’s anyone, it’s a 300lbs pitcher whose about to retire because of an arthritic knee.

There has been no greater recruiter for atheism and non-belief than the relationship Evangelical Christians have with Donald Trump.  None.

The only target he actively tries to please is himself. Always and only.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

I had Lasik more than a decade and a half ago and to this day, I fantasize about whatever drugs they gave me. It was the best night of sleep I have EVER had and everything before and since then has paled in comparison. After the procedure they gave me a bottle with two pills. They said I probably wouldn’t need it, but…

It truly is the best song Sugarland never wrote.

Don’t forget Baby Billy touching those naked thugs with a mannequin hand.