From my 50ish self to teens:

50 year old here.  Uhhhhhhhhhhh?

I want a complete account of the scenarios in which lassoing a person and making them walk behind a cop on horseback is a best practice.

I discovered recently that I can’t actually swim. I always thought I could - my family had a pool when I was growing up and I spent countless hours in it. Turns out what I can do is float and tread water. But actually putting my head in the water and swimming across a pool? Nope.

Might I suggest...

I assure you, Draymond would have thrived in the “Dirty” NBA you’re describing. It would not have the effect you think it would.

Yeah, it’s a side-by-side. The “in the act” and the “aftermath” as Adam keels over in pain.

Deadspin is not your personal erotica site!

Yeesh...

Look at fuckin Brad Pitt over here pulling fours...

nah, face tats are still the kiss of death here in Whitesville.  Scares old people, you see, which would cut Applebee’s business by over half. 

She looks like what would happen if Lil Wayne ejaculated on a racist bag of flour. 

Sorry, this is a much more accurate comparison:

DND and deadspin.  My world’s have collided.  

Because Carmelo Anthony is a delusion diva and James Dolan is a fucking idiot.

I could watch kids get thrown by bisons all day, I don’t give a shit about your kids.

Sometimes you just need to find a kindred spirit:

Man, these Mexicans are showing up everywhere.  Now they’re taking jobs away from hardworking black gangbang workers.