Split roast.

Herman Cain? Ben Carson?

No, Hispanic.

Only if the baby comes out distinctly looking like someone else, someone we'd all recognize. I want it to be clear to everyone that he had to get someone else to put a baby in her.

I kind of feel sorry for her. None of this is what she planned for. I take it for granted that her plan was to get him to eat as poorly as possible and fuck him to death. It should have worked. Tweeting is the most exercise Trump ever gets. 

That is some epic hair.

She has failed in her mission. She was supposed to fuck him to death; to get him up on top of her, pumped full of viagra, and fuck her until his blackened, withered heart bursts.

“what kind of psychopath goes to McDonald’s and doesn’t order fries?”

And, if they don’t do a chicken sandwich, bring your own bun. I have 100% done this and the staff thought it was the awesomest thing that they had seen all week: a man who REALLY wanted a really good chicken sandwich.

Now that I work in an office without a vending machine, I keep about $80 in my wallet.

The one time my car got broken into, they only stole my folder of like 30 burned CDs (hope they enjoyed those mixes, mother fuckers), but completely missed like $30 in coin in the ash tray (I am Canadian so we have toonies).

And I bet, if he did a quick google search, he'd find five small chicken joints that make an as good or better chicken sandwich. Look to your local chicken shop, my friends.

Technically, yes. Look good in a suit? No.

She is also a Republican. Also, probably a book deal coming soon. 

I never got ice cream for dentist visits, but I did get an ice cream bar whenever I had a loose tooth since it tended to free the tooth.

I go to a laundromat. The owner tells me that they have to show 4-5 guys a month how to add soap and turn on the machine. 

Men who act like doing their share of chores (and doing them well) is women’s work are pathetic. Probably the same guys who call their batchelor party ‘last night of freedom’ and complain about their sexless marriage later on.

Ladies, if you have to promise your man sex to get them to act like an adult and do their share of chores, then you need a better class of man.